Face It. I'll Never Be Hip.

I'm not hip enough for Facebook. I'm trying. Really I am. I set up my account (initially just for work) and I visit every day and try to write something on the "wall".

But it is for Gen X or Gen Y or Milleniums or whatever they are called. There is too much going on. You look here and there for comments and people poke you or pass you a drink. And by the time you figure out it doesn't really mean anything, they have left you in the dust for not responding and they are poking and passing drinks for their new "friends."

The Wall is overwhelming to me. There is just so much on it. It gives me a headache. You leave a comment and someone responds and then days later when you accidentally scroll down the page (because you really meant to do something else but the page starts scrolling) you realize that an entire conversation has transpired without you when you thought it ended days ago.

And then people you work with want to be your friend. Why? I quit responding because I see these people every frickin' day. I have nothing new to tell them -- at least nothing that I want them to know about. I would like to keep some things just in my personal life. I don't think the guy in the next cubicle needs to know that that I had a great time drinking champagne with my girlfriends Friday night, does he?

And then the pressure of filling out the profile. I don't know the difference between "Activities" and "Interests". And I'm sure that my activities and interests are oh so boring. I bet everyone else has things like sky diving, training for triathlons, cycling, launching new businesses and volunteering at a homeless shelter. Mine are reading and watching movies in between playing with my daughter and the dogs.

And the music. I have the musical taste of a 12 year old girl --- from 1970. I still like the stuff I grew up with. I don't know any of the new music, except the top 40 stuff. So I'm hoping when people read my musical tastes they find them charming and retro rather than unsophisticated and simple.

See, everything about Facebook stresses me. I thought Twitter was bad, but no one can really find you on Twitter so the pressure is off. On Facebook you are so exposed.

I clench my teeth and pause while I try to think of something pithy and smart to write. It must BE witty and glib but it must sound effortless. It has to sound like you just sat down at your laptop on the way to the gym and you quickly click out this observation barely finishing before you sign off, grab your latte and bounce out the door.

And the list of Friends. It's a competition the likes of which you've not seen since the 10th grade. You need quantity and quality. You need beautiful people, successful people, old, young and someone famous would not hurt. I rack my brain trying to think of every person I've ever known in my life. Former co-workers, cousins, old boyfriends (who cares if you hate them), hair dressers, insurance agent, your husband's friends. Please, please, please, show up in my search. Pleeeeeezzzzz accept my invitation to be my friend. And please have a good picture. I say this as my default, white outline stays on my page. I have no good pictures. Again, the pressure. If I post a current picture, I will never be happy. If I post a picture I like, it will be 35 pounds ago and everyone will wonder who I think I'm fooling. I don't want to go the cute route and post my daughter's photo. I could use the dogs, I could use a childhood photo or I could find a scenic photo and post which is was I did on Linkedin.

I fear my search for hipness is hopeless. If you're reading this and you're on Facebook, will you be my friend? But only if you have a good picture and your interests and activities fall into the hip without trying category. I need to boost my Facebook stock.